I have had an “ah ha” moment. I haven’t been regularly attending church for quite a while now. If asked I couldn’t really give you a specific reason why I haven’t been going. I just haven’t gone. But my “ah ha” came at 1st Wednesday service a couple of weeks ago. I haven’t been going because I don’t know who I am, where I fit within the body of Christ.
See at 18 years old I started dating my now ex-husband. He was very well known in the church we attended so I instantly became known as “Steve’s girlfriend.” Then when he went into full time ministry I was known as the music guy’s wife. For most of my adult life I have never been just me.
Yes it has been 3 years since we separated but I think I have been so involved in making sure that my kids are ok that I have not taken the time to figure out who I am, where I belong.
I love my church and the people that are part of my church family. Now it is time for me to find my place to be me.
You know how all of a sudden you realize time has just flown by and you look back and say, “wow, that was fast. How did I get here?” That is kind of how I have been feeling lately. Yesterday marked 15 years of marriage. Granted the past year has been spent apart and the divorce papers are signed. But looking back to that day 15 years ago I never in a million years thought I would ever file for divorce. I was going to be the one to have a marriage that lasted. I come from a family with many broken marriages, mostly on my mom’s side of the family. So as I prepared to say, “I do” I just knew that we would be together, “until death do us part.”
Now looking back I can see where things went wrong. I can see where I should have done things differently. I sometimes get stuck in the “what if” trap. That is not a good place to be. I can’t move on with my life and walk the road God has for me if I am constantly looking back to dwell on the past. My heart still hurts from the years of trial. But I hold my head high, resting in the knowledge that God is not finished with me. He has a plan for me and I am ready, willing and able to follow Him.